The modern-day intimacy problem

In our quest to assert and express our individuality, have we somehow misplaced the joys of genuine togetherness? The intimacy, vulnerability, and simplicity we yearn for in our relationships often feel like a mirage because there is a struggle to truly connect, particularly in romantic relationships. This article delves into my reflections on what can be called a modern-day intimacy crisis within urban Indian society. Here the world feels so accessible, like a global village, yet couples seem to exist on entirely different planets.

Many couples come to therapy seeking either to reconnect with each other or to sort a downward spiralling relationship issue. On the surface, the average urban Indian couple seems perfect—they are young, intelligent, and good-looking, have a house, a car, travel regularly, pursue various interests, and enjoy time with friends. They have had time to date and get to know each other well before they marry or start living in  and  yet, in their bedrooms, they feel lonely. Despite their partner being right beside them, within reach, reaching out feels impossible. They claim it’s easy to be intimate with strangers, but the difficulty lies with their loved ones.

There are numerous factors that contribute to the disconnection between couples. Technological intrusions are on top of the list, with one partner often seeking "me time" through scrolling on social media, chatting online, watching porn, or playing online games for relaxation. The other usually wants to go out or socialise and doesn’t want to look like they are alone. The concept of personal space is still difficult to digest in Indian families, where culturally, everyone does everything together. If one partner goes alone to a family event or gathering, it raises questions. Extended family involvement often borders on interference causing conflicts from expectations that sound like it’s no big deal!

Despite the fluidity of gender roles today, disparities in income and household responsibilities remain. Women still tend to carry the larger responsibilities at home and this leads to a feeling of unfairness because both partners have flourishing careers and are mostly equally successful and talented. Men, still seem to carry the financial burdens more. When there are children involved, parental stress is also prevalent, as young parents have no family support in raising the children. Having children and pets greatly restricts their ability to socialise and travel and couples drift from each other trying to find joy by themselves.

Physical intimacy is a huge issue as well. With all the media hype and movies and the easy availability of porn, sex has gone from being a two-person intimate act to just getting orgasms. Needs are expressed and either discounted or addressed on a requirement basis. Discussing sexual needs is not at all challenging anymore. It is no longer taboo- but that also seems to have taken the romance out of it. A common misconception is that sex is only successful if both partners reach orgasm.

Substance use and addictions are widespread, with some couples unable to enjoy time together without involving some substance. Another surprising factor is that the awareness of mental health issues has increased, but with it, the language around relationships has changed. Terms like "toxic," "narcissist," and "abusive" are now used more readily and accusations of boundary breaching and non-consensual behaviour are becoming more common, couched in contemporary psychological terminology there is rarely any conversation possible when one partner has taken on the role of the victim.

Intimacy requires as a basis, safety. It rises in the space where a person can be vulnerable and authentic without having to face ridicule, judgment, criticism or disinterest. Does it require trust? After all intimacy with strangers happens often. With strangers- there is no back-story or allegations of wrongs or accusations of neglect. So it’s an in-the-moment trust- unlike the long-term one required in relationships. Does it require honesty and truthtelling? Again, not in such a way that it is detrimental to the partners; when seducing or being seduced, one wants to focus on inspiring passion in the partner and not on observations and analysis of character and body. Does it require an ambience? Not at all—we can have long, intimate conversations over the phone.

Have you ever wondered why a song wields so much power? It can uplift us and connect us to something pure and simple, allowing us to bond with the singer who gave voice to those innermost thoughts. In the same way, we connect with a movie star who daringly expresses the inner aspects of ourselves. Isn't it remarkable that a stranger’s fearless vulnerability and authenticity in expressing emotions can create such a profound connection? We instantly resonate with these celebrities, and the connections we form with them feel genuine and significant.

It's not just with people; we also connect deeply with our pets, finding a deep assurance about their place in our lives and our value in theirs. Some people form similar connections with plants, trees, the sea, and the mountains—profoundly and without fear or doubt. So why is it that the problem of intimacy surfaces precisely in the area where it can be most cherished?

Why do we need intimacy? I recall attending a drama workshop where each of us had to stand still while the others from the group observed us from head to toe—walking around without making comments or judgments, just observing and accepting. It felt awkward initially, but gradually, it became therapeutic. We became comfortable in our own skin and also in simply noticing others. Being in an intimate space with another validates us and provides a sense of security within ourselves. Fear arises from within when we are not comfortable with who we are. Being with another person who can see us and accept us for what we are is a very empowering space.

Is intimacy possible on different levels? I think so. Physical intimacy, the form that is cherished by lovers, often eclipses everything else in the glow of their love. Emotional intimacy, such as that between a mother and child or among friends, carries a distinct and different essence. Mental intimacy is experienced even in corporate teams, where working together towards a deadline can bring a unique joy, especially within a cohesive team. Spiritual intimacy is possible with a guru or deity who may not even know your name.

How one cultivates such a multifaceted space within their relationships becomes an exercise in wisdom and determination. When I think of Dhritarashtra with his three wives Draupadi with her five husbands, Or Krishna with the Gopikas, it seems to me that intimacy is carefully preserved within partners who make a conscious effort to keep the relationship well despite many reasons to fail. If we all understood how to foster this space, the world would undoubtedly be a much happier place.

I hope this article resonates with whoever reads it or sparks some meaningful conversations about intimacy. There's a growing concern in today's world about the future of intimate romantic relationships. Movies depicting humans falling in love with robots are no longer considered far-fetched. We find ourselves attached to virtual assistants like Alexa when they suggest something that perfectly aligns with our preferences, and we're even tempted to assign gender to AI like ChatGPT.

As I finish I want to emphasise on the importance of translating these discussions into what works for each couple. Rather than have a general pattern that is considered right, communication and acceptance can help each couple have their own unique way of being intimate with each other. There are many challenges we may encounter along the way but reflecting on own experiences, we can create meaningful dialogue and discover both ourselves and our partners. While cultivating intimacy requires effort, intention and vulnerability, the rewards of a deep connection and emotional fulfilment make it a journey that is desirable.